This blog is my baby. I love my baby. She's done some great things for me and given me a lot of happiness. And she's brought you all here to me. For that I am so grateful to her.
But I've been needing to put my baby to sleep for some time now. And it's been really hard to let her go. She’s a good kid.
So…why do it?
Because I have to. I've been using her. Using her as a way to hold onto something else. Something I love even more. Whether that Something still exists or whether it ever really existed ‘out there’ in the first place, I have no clue anymore. It doesn't matter. I truly believed it existed. So now it continues to live in my heart regardless of the nature of its’ origin, be it genuine or spurious. And despite all I’ve done to let go of that which now lives inside me--despite all that others have done to kill the love I feel, there is something none of us has ever been successful in getting rid of. That something is HOPE.
But holding onto hope for Something that is hopeless is killing me. It has ravaged my body (as you have all been witness to). It has tortured my mind. It has broken my heart. It is killing my soul.
I have held on so tenaciously to the hope that Something will change, that somehow ‘love will triumph’ that I’ve managed to convince myself I’m ok with the status quo as long as I still have even the most miniscule thing to hang my hope on.
But I’m not ok with it, really. Death in small doses is still death. Fuck that.
For the love of a Something that can never be I have, at times, almost lost my will to live. And that has scared the shit out of me. Mostly because I don’t know why I have become so attached to this evasive Something. I have been unable to explain it to all who have asked WHY??? Most frustratingly, I’ve been unable to understand the depths of my feelings myself. The best I’ve ever been able to offer as a response is this: ‘Hope is big powerful medicine’.
Well…
I still can’t give up hope. (God, how I wish I could.) So all I can do is just walk away from it for now and believe that maybe I won’t hurt as much for a little while. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of wondering. I’m tired of holding on.
There is a lyric from a song called 'What Makes You Happy' that I sing a lot at times like these:
'I feel the sun on my back I smell the earth in my skin I see the sky above me like a full recovery...'
As sad as this all continues to be for me, I'm good. Really. I won't fall. Not now...too busy moving away from the precipice. Yet it is so comforting to know there are loving people to help me when I slip--I'm clumsy--I slip a lot.
But there's so much incredible life out there. I won't miss it. I Promise.
I've even started writing songs about it myself...
Well, SaraJane, you waited long enough to post a comment!! 8^P Yeah, I gotta do it as much as I don't want to...
And re: the lyrics? I agree. So as a welcoming (and parting) gift to you, here they are (tho' you coulda just posted 'em yerself, missy!)
I’ve got another confession to make I’m your fool Everyone’s got their chains to break Holding you Were you born to resist? Or be abused?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Or are you gone and on to someone new? I needed somewhere to hang my head Without your noose You gave me something that I didn’t have But had no use I was too weak to give in Too strong to lose My heart is under arrest again But I’ll break loose My head is giving me life or death But I can’t choose I swear I’ll never give in I refuse
Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? It’s real, the pain you feel Your trust? You must confess
Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith? It’s real, the pain you feel The life, the love you’d die to heal The hope that starts the broken heart Your trust? You must confess
Is someone getting the best of you?
I’ve got another confession, my friend I'm no fool I’m getting tired of starting again somewhere new Were you born to resist or be abused? I swear I’ll never give in I refuse
well now, THAT certainly is a nice compliment! Thank you, Gern.
Are you a BigHappy Gern by any chance? I'm guessing you are. 8^)
In any case, pleased to meetcha! With regard to the blog--I may start it up again at some point. I miss doing it. In the meantime, stay tuned and enjoy the archives for a bit.
I know it's a long delayed response, but I've only been introduced to your blog in the last few days, so that's my excuse. I'm pleased that you decided to wake your "baby" after having put her to rest for some time. I see that you've continued the work that you've been so good at. Cheers to you, touchy - feely You, I miss terribly. Hope you're well. J
Goodnight, Baby.
19 comments:
Oh NICE!!
Putting the baby to bed!
Or is it putting a skeleton in your closet?
Either way, make sure you leave a night light on for us old folks, eh? We're afraid of being left in the dark for too long...
...Cos it gets dark, cold, and scary-- and Nurse Ratchett denied you a second blanket again, OMC?
I understand. Old Folks get excited and weird when the lights go out.
They poop the bed, and the Nasty Night-Lady is too busy watching TeVo'd Americal Idol to do anything.
It's OK. I see a lot of it.
This blog is my baby. I love my baby. She's done some great things for me and given me a lot of happiness. And she's brought you all here to me. For that I am so grateful to her.
But I've been needing to put my baby to sleep for some time now. And it's been really hard to let her go. She’s a good kid.
So…why do it?
Because I have to. I've been using her. Using her as a way to hold onto something else. Something I love even more. Whether that Something still exists or whether it ever really existed ‘out there’ in the first place, I have no clue anymore. It doesn't matter. I truly believed it existed. So now it continues to live in my heart regardless of the nature of its’ origin, be it genuine or spurious. And despite all I’ve done to let go of that which now lives inside me--despite all that others have done to kill the love I feel, there is something none of us has ever been successful in getting rid of. That something is HOPE.
But holding onto hope for Something that is hopeless is killing me. It has ravaged my body (as you have all been witness to). It has tortured my mind. It has broken my heart. It is killing my soul.
I have held on so tenaciously to the hope that Something will change, that somehow ‘love will triumph’ that I’ve managed to convince myself I’m ok with the status quo as long as I still have even the most miniscule thing to hang my hope on.
But I’m not ok with it, really.
Death in small doses is still death.
Fuck that.
For the love of a Something that can never be I have, at times, almost lost my will to live. And that has scared the shit out of me. Mostly because I don’t know why I have become so attached to this evasive Something. I have been unable to explain it to all who have asked WHY??? Most frustratingly, I’ve been unable to understand the depths of my feelings myself. The best I’ve ever been able to offer as a response is this: ‘Hope is big powerful medicine’.
Well…
I still can’t give up hope. (God, how I wish I could.)
So all I can do is just walk away from it for now and believe that maybe I won’t hurt as much for a little while.
I’m tired of hurting.
I’m tired of wondering.
I’m tired of holding on.
I wish I had the arms to catch you if you fall...please email me
Aww, sweetie. Thank you.
There is a lyric from a song called 'What Makes You Happy' that I sing a lot at times like these:
'I feel the sun on my back
I smell the earth in my skin
I see the sky above me
like a full recovery...'
As sad as this all continues to be for me, I'm good. Really. I won't fall. Not now...too busy moving away from the precipice. Yet it is so comforting to know there are loving people to help me when I slip--I'm clumsy--I slip a lot.
But there's so much incredible life out there.
I won't miss it.
I Promise.
I've even started writing songs about it myself...
thank you for sending me this link, hon. i've always loved this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tRXO9Q8LkY
goddamn youtube. even when you're not looking for it, you find it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pd_p1A7WVNs
Theese ees a deeleecious tune
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieT_lf9wK28
I'm sorry your ending the blog. I always really liked visiting it. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
I also wanted to say that I always thought the lyrics to that Foo Fighters song are really powerful. You should've post them.
Well, SaraJane, you waited long enough to post a comment!! 8^P Yeah, I gotta do it as much as I don't want to...
And re: the lyrics? I agree. So as a welcoming (and parting) gift to you, here they are (tho' you coulda just posted 'em yerself, missy!)
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holding you
Were you born to resist?
Or be abused?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Or are you gone and on to someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I’ll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
Your trust?
You must confess
Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
It’s real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you’d die to heal
The hope that starts the broken heart
Your trust?
You must confess
Is someone getting the best of you?
I’ve got another confession, my friend
I'm no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best of you?
You should not end your blog.
Start a new one if you wish.
You have something to say and the world needs to listen.
Besides, I like coming here.
well now, THAT certainly is a nice compliment! Thank you, Gern.
Are you a BigHappy Gern by any chance? I'm guessing you are. 8^)
In any case, pleased to meetcha!
With regard to the blog--I may start it up again at some point. I miss doing it. In the meantime, stay tuned and enjoy the archives for a bit.
Yup guilty as charged.
Nice to meetcha too.
*Awkward kiss on the cheek.*
No awkwardness necessary.
We're all friends here--the kissy-kissy/touchy-feely type.
Can't you tell??
Besides, you're in France.
Don't I get a cyber kiss on EACH cheek?
Laura, I'm in the south of France. We kiss three times. Parisians kiss twice. So..
*Peck* *Peck* *Peck*
My dear.
Oh dear...you certainly ARE a pecker!! 8^P
I have been called that before but in a different context . .
I know it's a long delayed response, but I've only been introduced to your blog in the last few days, so that's my excuse.
I'm pleased that you decided to wake your "baby" after having put her to rest for some time. I see that you've continued the work that you've been so good at. Cheers to you, touchy - feely You, I miss terribly. Hope you're well.
J
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